~Brace for re-entry

We got back from Cabo at 10:30 Monday night.  GOODNESS it sure is cold here!  My body is in SHOCK!  My bones are so stiff they say’n “Slide some oil to me.  Let it trickle down my spine.  If you AIN’T got STP Crisco will be just fine” like the Tin Man!  No you white-e’s I’m not talking about your Dorthy’s Tin M.  All things will be reviled when you Google The Wiz…smile, wink with DOUBLE thumbs up.

First things First!  Please hear Bob Barker’s voice and The Prices Right theme music in your head.  Albee and I get to play Name That Substance!  In this game contestants have to correctly name food items in containers left in their refrigerators.  They can use sight, touch or the dreaded smell or taste test. However, sometimes sight is all that is needed. If that is succssefully container stays closed sparring, the nose.  The whole kit and kaboodle is tossed!

They say you don’t really know someone until you travel with them.  Which leads me to a new inductee to my “RIDE OR DIE”  Hall of Fame.  Less than 10 people in my life are a part of this.  Smith or as we call her “Lupe” is a RIDE OR DIE CHICK!  Smith is Different than the Lupe you may know.  Standing she is a 5’10 , blonde, BOMP SHELL! Sturdy as she goes ready to help however she can.  Thank you Lupe.  Thank you.  Your help in a small Sunset Cruise bathroom was priceless!  Albee and I are grateful!!  Nuti’n like three grown people and a wheelchair in a small bathroom on a moving boat! PRICLESS!

Back to all things CABO!  Well I only got to have two margaritas!  Yes you heard ME!  DOUS MARGARITS!  I know RIGHT!  My meds weren’t have-n it.  One margarita felt like 10 in the morning. “AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!” This is a must, so I WILL make it EASY fo ya (  

I could do wine at dinner or after dinner Vodka Collins or a CRP.  Wine in Mexico?  BOO!  I’m not try’n to be Booshie it’s Mexico!  Oh another new word for some of you.  You can’t Google this one.  Ask a Black friend (they won’t be offended by the question. It’s not one of those words).  Smith introduced me to CRP (Crown Royal with pineapple juice) and I ain’t mad at it.  Good Vodka and orange juice is barely alcohol anyway.  It’s like alcohol for dummies. Even with those drinks I had to be careful.  It’s all good though.  The weather was PERRRFECT!   It was between 80 to 84 degrees every day.  If it was that here I would be dyeing.  There it’s a dry heat.  So I’m GOOD! Oh sooo GOOD!

So I got a first-hand look at a white people phenomenon of EPIC proportions.  Growing up black you went to a swimming pool to swim.  I have and had friends of the caucazie persuasion but never witnessed their epidemic close up.  My Mother-n-law said first and formeost she wanted a good tan.  Albert second the desire and that was that.

Now it’s a process.  It’s much like pan frying a steak.  First, they slather this oil all over. It’s similar to olive oil for the steak.  Then a timer is set.  It’s like 15 to 20 minutes.  Then they flip like an Orca.  It’s very important to be evenly cooked.  Oh and a LITTLE bit of pink is acceptable I’m told.  FUNNY that’s how I like my steak.  Ok one day of this is NOT enough.  This done DAY after DAY!  What’s WORST their kids are out there with them.  I only saw ONE mother re-apply sunscreen to her baby.  YES people I said baby.  I’ve come to understand this is a learned SICKNESS.  It’s passed on from generation to generation.

I felt like Oprah.  I could point around the pool, YOU GET SKIN CANCER, YOU GET SKIN CANCER AND YOU GET SKIN CANCER!  When we weren’t in the sun someone was always asking me if they were darker than the previous day..  REALLY?!  It’s not a contest.   Do you ever see a high yellow brother pass $10 to a bro from the Sudan?  It really is INSANITY.

Ok as a non-white can I set the record straight?  If I hear another white-e say fat and wrinkles look better tan!  NO! WRONG!  It looks the same!!!  Have you EVER heard someone say “she was fat/wrinkled but tan so I ask her out”?  Usually the person saying fat/wrinkles look better tan is FAT or WRINKLED.  Better yet they are both.  Tan fat, wrinkled fat cancer still rhymes with THAT!

Ok so these aren’t white trash people.  We stayed at  These white-e’s paid big money for their skin cancer.  They are doctor and lawyer types.  I was only there because I married one of theirs.  Oddly the quest for sun made them, how can I say this sensitively?  Who am I kidding I can’t!  Made them A HOT MESS!  One of them called me a Debbie downer when it comes to tanning.  As if skin cancer WASN ‘T the most common cancer in America.  Why was I worried I’m black?  I’m just TRY’N to protect the rule.  Who want’s to the FIRST black to CRACK!  I’m TRY’N to preserve the pretty!  I’m already busted and in a chair!  Don’t HATE a sista for try’n to keep the little she’s still got!

Albee is a TRUE BLUE Caucasian.  He said he DON’T care about cancer!  He is gonna tan even if he gets it.  He likes the way tanning makes him feel.  Let’s see if it makes him feel good when doc starts slicing cancerous pieces of his face off.  Yet, ONE more reason I took life insurance out on his butt!  You CAN’T argue with Crazy…I’m just say’n….


7 thoughts on “Re-Entry

  1. Shandra says:

    About a month ago I went in for a full-on skin cancer check since my insurance was changing December 1st. I had them look at a funky mole “down under” that ultimately needed a biopsy. Those were the worst 4 days of waiting I ever had! I went from “its gonna be just fine” to “I’m gonna die soon.” Ultimately a mole is just a mole, but I really regret tanning in my 20’s, so now my sunbathing outfits are rashguards and board shorts. Bob is always yelling at me to wear sunglasses and sunscreen. I just figure we are all dying of something, but if it’s in my power to delay the inevitable just a little bit, then I will do what i can. Glad you are home safe!

  2. Ebony says:

    I’m glad you had fun,I missed your words of wisdom while you were on vacation 😉 it’s great to have you back

  3. Tammy says:

    As a whitey married to a hispanic man, I am all for a little melanin boost (the only good thing about my fat, is that it is delaying my wrinkles.) I haven’t been able tan since the mid nineties, cause the sun makes my ms worse. (I stick to Tan Towels nowadays…)

    How did you do in the heat? I usually go to South Texas in January or February. Someone will inevitably tell me “You’re so lucky, we’re having a cold front”, or something to that effect. What cold front? It’s still 88 degrees and 100% humidity! If we didn’t have loved ones in that part of the world, we would never go.

    See you soon,

    • That part of Mexico has dry heat that time of year. I’ve found that kind of heat I’m fine. Ican’t do humid heat.

      • Tammy says:

        I forgot all about the dry heat vs. humidity thing. About two years ago we were in northern CA (high desert), and the temps were 103 to 105. Very hot, but I was fine. So, now I’m going to start looking for deals on the pacific coast of Mexico!! Yay!!

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